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Updates…. and my many trips to the land where its truely asia. Part 1

well….. here i am after 3 months of neglecting this blog…. mainly because i am lazy to update. hahahahaha yup i guess i am mostly curedon my emoness. hahahahaha well……. nothing special happened just decided that i shouldn’t bury myself in sorrow anymore. lol butttt…… i’d have to say that things do get kinda lonely sometimes…..i mean who doesn’t right?

Anyway….. just felt like updating here abit since i’ve got nothing better to do anyway.OK here goes:

Bahau Trip
yup i have returned from my trip to bahau to visit Cheryl…… and yes i have enjoyed myself. the train ride was find until the air-con broke down half-way….. and i woke up feeling really hot. and….. KTMB only decided to stop and fix the damn air-con at Gemas….. 1 station before bahau….. this caused me to be late by about 30mins…… i was so scared that Cheryl will just go home and put me airplane. hahahahaha cos i coudn’t reach her via phone due to the poor reception but she didn’t Trust me…. i’d not know what to do if she wasn’t there….. cos i don’t know the 1st thing about the place. when i alighted from the train, what greeted me was a total culture shock….. the place looked so different from Singapore, and from malacca the only other place i’ve visited in Malaysia. hahahahaha yup i am a suakoo.at the age of 28, i haven’t traveled much.ok as i was saying….. as i walked into the recept area which is just in-front of the small train station trying my best to locate Cheryl, i saw someone waved at me. yup it was her…..and i couldn’t believe my luck. the 1st ever time i travelled on my own, and to visit an online friend…… what greeted me was the cutest girl i’ve ever seen.:D

She’s not some drop dead gorgeous girl, but she is cute all right. and when she opend her mouth and talked to me, well….. lets just say that she’s got a nice voice, and a cute accent. haha yes i like, i like alot. lol We when to KFC for lunch 1st, as i couldn’t check into my hotel room until 3pm. then we went to sing karaoke at the local joint located in kiara square. we had lots of fun singing…… i was not feeling well….. so….. was kinda disappointed at my own vocal performance. after that we went to ckeck in at my hotel, and chatted for awhile while waiting for the local PM to open for business….. but to my disappointment, it rained….. so i didn’t get to go. Cheryl stayed and chatted with me till 8pm before going home… on the 2nd day, we hhopped on a bus and went to Parkson shopping mall in Seramban to jalan jalan. had lots of fun there as well….. and coincidentally, we wore the same color shirts which makes lots of shop owners think that we’re a couple. lol i even when to a Handphone shop and tried to snoop the guy with my N900. hahahahaha

On the 3rd day, we when to sing k again before i had to leave for Singapore…… honestly i am quite reluctant to leave……..i will miss my friend and the relaxing and beautiful town that is Bahau…….. i wish i can go back soon…… as the train lefted the station, i truely realized how it felt to have to leave a place i have come to love, and more importantly, i will miss Cheryl………. here re some picture i took of the town….. i didn’t managed to take apic with Cheryl as she keeps refusing to take pictures with me.

OK i guess i’ll stop for now….. will update part 2 abit later. hahahahaha cos i fi don’t end here, this entry will be damn long….. and i’ll take forever to write. ok bye

22/05/2010

Here i am again after a long lapse of 3months…. i guess by now, most of my raders have already kinda given up on following my blog. haha cos  i don’t really update that much…… well here are some stuff worth updating…. i’ll try to sound more happy this time.

Brought a new phone somewhere in march. never thought i’d actually buy such an expensive piece of technology in my life…….. but i still did. i traded in my 8 months old Nokia N97 in favor of the new Nokia N900….. iand i have to say that i am quite satisfied with its performance until it broke down in early april…… i don’t blame nokia for the defect….. i guess u get shit like these sometimes when u buy new gadgets.

what i’m really unhappy about is the service that the local service centers provide…… 1st they delayed my collection date, then they failed to put my case on 1st priority even after i called them 6 times. all they can say is SORRY…… well honestly i am quite unhappy with their way of handling their customers…… so i guess  this will very well be my last nokia phone for a long long long time. and all they are able to offer as compensation is a shitty home collection service if my phone were to break down again. WTF man…… are they trying to tell me that their phones are indeed so shittythat they will break down every now and then? haiz….. i guess this is it lah. next phone most prob Iphone already…….
 
next up my school work…….. fucked up as usual…… i failed my financial management sub paper dispite the fact that i have all the solutions for all the questions, and the lecturer promised to be more relaxed with the marking…….. and whats worse, MDIS refused to let me appeal…… which even more help  me make up my mind that i will NEVER continue my degree with MDIS anymore……..now all thats left for me to do is to clear my BIS exam, and then repeat the sickening FM module before i reeive my advance dip….. and then is bye bye MDIS.

Next up, more happy things….. i wil be going on my long awaited holiday to malaysia. except that this time, i’m going alone. for 2 purposes. 1 is to relax and get away from the busy worklife of Singapore, the other is to meet a very good online friend i’ve known, and haven been talking to for the pasted 5 going to 6 months. i believe many of my readers may have seen her comment on my facebook posts here and there. yup i’m going to Bahau to meet Cheryl. i hope i have lots of fun there.

She keeps telling me that bahau is quite a boring place. but i still believe that it’ll be fun, cos sometimes its not the place that makes the trip fun, is the people that matters. i mean if you’re going with boring people to say disneyland, it still will be very boring. cos they do not know how to have fun. if you’re with fun people, even sitting down and chatting can be fun too. really looking forward to the trip.

Oh and i struck 4D for the 1st tie in my life too. lol the 1st  prize somemore. but honestly i don’t feel like much of a winner….. cos i was supposed to strike $17000 omstead i only struck $2000……. all cos my mum didn’t went ahead and brought $2 big $3 small like i told her to…… she brought only $1 big instead……. stupid……should have called my dad to buy for me instead. lol and my lucky star for this win is…….. yup you guessed it, its Cheryl.  brought her birthday out of last minute intuition and won. So i better keep in mind to buy her a small gift when i see her…. even if she keeps telling me no need.
 
work and judo nothing much……. still the same, i’m still not getting any better in judo, and my work matters are still to remain confidential. haha not much personal reflection these days…. cos its all from work, and i can’t really tell the whole story here so might as well not say. well….. all i can say is that i’m getting this fucked up feeling that people from work don’t appreciate help…….. they really want me  to behave like an asshole then they happy…….. its really true when they say nice guys always die 1st and finish last…….. ok guess i’ll just stop here for now……

fucked up month……..

well…. here i am again in the middle of the night attempting to write an entry………… the month of feb have not been kind to me……….. in fact many fucked up shit are happening 1 after another…………

1. starhub over charge me AGAIN…… this time $28 more…..

2. i just did a stupid thing hopping that positive results will show…. when i already know for fact that it will never happen….. in the end, i triggered a lame reaction that only she can dish out………

3. The SAF finally decided to call me up for IPPT, i tried to reset my password, but got no news…. next thing i know, i was required to book RT something which i have not done before ever since i ORD 7 years ago…….. and then best thing is they decided to charge me for defaulting after sending me an sms saying that i must book RT within 1 month of my birthday…… but i received the letter 2 weeks before the due date…….. how is this even fair??? i mean no sound no picture for 7 years, put my status as "mindef reserve" and then all the sudden ask me do RT and then charge me early……….. this is totally fucked up.

4. my dad is as of now lying in hospital having just completed his heart vessel bypass surgery……… doctor says there are certain worries…… but his life is not in danger……… so all thats lefted to do is to wait till tomorrow and see what the doctor says after observing him……..

i mean what the fuck is wrong with my life??? fucking unfair shit starts happening everytime during my birth month…… honestly i can feel the demons of depression coming back to me again……… even my colleague Eunice who is a former depression patient saw signs in me…….. i’m starting to give my colleagues a nasty attitude that is spoilling my reputation at work…….. i began listening to songs about self agony and death again……. and thoughts of death actually crossed my mind…… here are samples of songs i listen to now……… pay attention to the lyrics and you will see that i am not bluffing or something:

1. Cross My Heart And Hope To Die – Sentenced

 
 
2. We Are But Falling Leaves – Sentenced
 

Guess i’ll just end off here……. got nothing else to write about other than more depressed thoughts anyway…………hope my dad pulls through ok…….

i’ve run out of all hope for myself…….. i guess i am gonna just like what Mr Chew predicted……. have a life threatening encounter sometime soon, and die a young age……… i wouldn’t mind honestly…….. cos carry on living will only cause more pain and disappointment…….. both for myself and for others……… since i was already born full of defects in the 1st place……….. shows that i shouldn’t have even been born……….. someone like me having lived 28 years is already a steal…………… hope my eventual demise comes swiftly…….. i don’t want to be a burden to anyone……………

02/01/2010

its the new year……… so here i am writing again. i’m not sure if any of my friends still reads my space, i honestly doubt so since its already been 4 months since i last came here to bitch about my life.

been very busy at work lately………. which is a good thing, well…… actually i’m not quite sure weather its good or not. its got its pros and cons i guess……..for one, my superiors and colleagues are seeing my abilities at the office judging by the badass stuff i’ve been experiencing and dealing with on a daily basis at work. pardon me for not being able to disclose what i do there cos its pretty sensitive stuff……… well by now, most if not all my friends who bothered to look me up or are still in contact with me would have already heard all if not most of my adventures……… 

as for the con side of things, its the usual thing, i become so busy that i return home tired……. so tired that i don’t even bother to interact with friends online, i just come home, on my com, go to facebook, play cafe world, feed my real life turtles, and my virtual fish tank in happy aquarium and then pretty much just go to sleep…… just to wake up the next day to go to work………… my life just consist of work, school, judo, and home…….. and then occasionally some KTV sessions with the usual group of me, Leo, polar, & Lisa, and then the recently addition of qing guo, my sec sch friend…….. my social circle isn’t expanding much…….. which is starting to worry my parents……….. they actually asked me to join SDN……… i was like WTF man!!! do i need to go to that extend?

at school, i do not know why, but i still hate going to sch……… although those are subjects that i have interest in, i still hate going there……. so many times i’ve contemplated quitting sch…… but the fact that i’m already at my last semester keeps me from doing just that.  i just have the feeling that i want to get out of there everytime i step in there………

at judo, nothing much……… i still kanna put air plane but that 1 person told me she wanted to go……. but thats not really important cos i’m really quite used to it.arafat is still being a total asshole, and i still enjoy making him suffer with my ippon seoi nage. i seriously do not know why this guy trains……. i mean he’s already green belt, and in his 30s. yet he acts like a 10 year old kid with a white belt……. i mean this have been said many times by the black belts in the dojo. we all go there to train and have fun……. no use picking on seemingly weaker people to make yourself look stronger no one will care and you’ll only make people hate you more……… sometimes i hope he can just grow up, or just quit……. either way its better. less people get injuried due to his incompetence, and everyone is happy. honestly i’m already not in the mood to prove anything anymore…….. i’ve done enough of that in my life. so now doing judo is just a way for me to get some exercise and do something i like. thats all. if i get thrown, i get thrown lah whats the big fucking deal?? its just a training, there is no tropies or prize money whatsoever……… you learn either way. so i might as well just enjoy it rather than going there and having to act tough.

i’m not getting any younger anyway…….. 37 more days and i’ll be 28 years old……… 2 more years before i officially hit uncledom……. so trying to act tough is the last thing i want to do. but if he tries to fuck with me, i’ll make sure he suffers at my hands…….. and i usually do. hahahahahaha

ok on to some stuff i did in the later part of 2009 which i did not mention in my previous entries……. well for 1, i attended a record breaking 3 weddings in the last month of 2009, and the 1st day of 2010. and 2 of them are muslim….. which is something new for me,,,,,, well that other chinese one was kinda against my will….. and i got asked a question that i hate people to ask….. especially my relatives. and the hosts just had to ask it. i mean you son get married your problem lah…… why the fuck you have to ask the obvious??? and its not like you all don’t know that we’ve broken up for more than a year. why do you have to spoil my already foul mood?? stupid bitch. you’re just lucky that my temper is not that bad yet…… i would have sworn  the thought of punching you square in your face crossed my mind at least once….. if not for the fact that you’re a woman and i don’t hit women, you would have needed plastic surgery………. fucking bitch….. i hope you die and burn in hell………………..

as for the other 2, its alot more enjoyable than what i’ve mentioned above, i actually felt happy attending the. no fucked up questions, no stupid bitches, and the food is awesome.  and in other interesting business, i’ve sponsored a police woman in serene…… as in serene lim, hui shan’s sister. nothing much regarding this actually just had to sign some papers thats all. but the whole process was kinda eventful……… we actuall had to go down to the new HTA once, and the the old PA another time before the deed was done. and in the process, serene leaned the hard way, the importance of ukemi. well….. i wish serene a smooth training and career with the police force…… welcome to the home team.

well thats about all for the later part of 2009 and the 1st 2 days of 2010, nothing much actually. i’m still trying to find ways to enrich my increasingly boring life…….. still trying to find my missing link………. and still trying o regain my lost abilities due to lingering effects of previous depressing events.

one thing ‘ve found out about myself is that i’ve become more and more bo chap lately…….. until the extend that nothing really shocking can shock me anymore….. for example:

someone: hey anthony, so and so’s mum just passed away leh…….

Me: so? what can i do about it? will the mother come back to life if i cared?

someone: hey anth, can help or not? the guy pitiful lah…… cry at my counter beg me to give extension.

Me: let him cry loh……. he can cry all he want. the law is the law. no mean no.

as i was walking home one find night from the mrt, i saw a familiar man lying on the ground in only his boxers. his shirt was a fe steps away, and his other clothing were no where to be found, instead of helping him up, and getting him home, i just walked away like i didn’t see anything.

well……. after pondering for a long while, i wondered t myself…… what the fuck have happened to me? 

1. thats the mum of a good friend we’re talking about. 

2. that poor man can be helped and i don’t even have to bend the rules to do it. he could have lefted my work place happy if i just say the word. 

3. that man lying on the ground, i know him……… and i could have helped……… he might have been robbed for all i know…….

have i become such an uncaring person that nothing touches my cold hard heart anymore? now i even treat my friends this way……… and honestly i feel very bad….. but i can’t help it. circumstances have drove me to become what i am today. so don’t blame me for being an asshole. instead think about what i have been through and then think about why i am like this.

but honestly speaking, i don’t like this side of me…….. i don’t like it at all…….. i need help……… but i don’t know where to seek it. i guess this is it. i’ve lost to life itself, and became a robot………… with no compassion whatsoever. now more people are gonna hate me……….. how nice right? go ahead hate me…….. its not like i was ever honestly liked or appreciated but any of you anyway….. most of you just look me up because you want something from me, or just pity me……. i don’t need pity……………………… fuck life man……..fuck it.

P.S; i apologies to all my friends who are reading this and really cared. and i thank you for that. these are just my inner frustration acting up…… don’t take it too seriously.

a very angry entry

well……. here i am prepared to bitch about my life again……… don’t know why, but recently, i just feel like writing more……… i usually do this when i feel really really down……… my exams are just around the corner…… well actually the 1st paper is this coming monday…… and honestly i got the same feeling i had when i was preparing for my 1st sem exam…….. i have no fucking mood to study…….. don’t know why, but these few days, i’ve been feeling really really depressed…… up till the point that i actually don’t want to give a fuck about judo……. i only went once for the whole of september….. this is fucking rare…….. i usually will look forward to it every friday, and will rush from work just to go there on time. but now. everytime its friday……. i will feel very sian and not want to go…… then i will subcnciously stat to give myself excuses to not go………………. i don’t know why, it this have not happened before ever since i took it up 5 years ago.

and now, my temper have been getting shorter and shorter everyday…….. well……… i guess this is what happens when one have got nothing to look forward to in life…….. and not one seems to understand him…….. not even his own family………. they only know how ot yell at me and suck money from me………. and then still give me shit. they call this care and concern……. well to me, with all due respect, i’d be better off at least without all the shit and the nagging. well…….. just today my dad came up with an all new thing he’d say to me just to get on my nerves. now, not only does he says that his son, the one who brings back the money is fucking USELESS, now he also says that i will never ever be able to find a nice local girl who loves me for me and actually wants to be with me. and that i should just spend some money and get a foregin wife……. i mean what the fuck man? what kind of a father is this? 1st you think that your son is useless, then you think your son is so undesirable that he can never be loved and have to spend money to get an instant wife from either china, myanma, vietnam, or thailand. i just didn’t want to argue with him if not something would have exploded………………..i just don’t know what is wrong with them…….. or rather what is wrong with my life.

everyone just tend to think that i’m either useless, undesirable, stupid, lazy, or untrustworthy. i mean what the fuck man??? i do agree that i am not that desirable…… but hell…… i am definitely not useless, stupid, lazy or untrustworthy. what??? just cos i act more toned down nowadays, and people think this way? and if i don’t then what happens? people are just gonna start to refer to me as stubborn, stuck up, tyrannical, and boastful. so what do they expect me to do man??? i’m too harsh people cannot take it, then when i adopt a softer approach, people start taking me for granted and pee on my head.

fuck lah……. why do i have this kind of people around me??? as if like that not worse enough, now even when i say something seriously, they will still think that i’m bullshitting or i’m playing with them. fuck as if now my life is not fucked up enough………… well… if i were to tell people that, they’re probably gonna say stuff like "hey at least you got a good job leh stop complainig lah" yah i do agree that i have a good job, but hey!!! this is just a part of my life man, not all……… if i were to view things like that then are you telling me that i should tell homeless guy "hey at least you still got your health" or tell a married unemployed man "hey at least your family i still intact" is that it??? is that what you mean??? fuck man!!!

why??? why is my life so fucked up??? ahhhh…. i might as well stop here…. if not its just gonna be more angry shit. think if this continues, i’d have to start attending anger management class…………… haiz………. and also start taking anti depressidant……………. haiz this is not good………. but then again………… there is rarely anything good or even remotely pleasant in my life…………….

a very belated yet pointless entry…………….

i don’t know who still reads my blog after such a long hiatus, but then again…………….. why do people even bother to read it? its just me bitching about things………. and feeling all sorry for myself………well…………… this entry is not gonna be any different either………. although its been a rather long time since i last wrote. many things came and passed since my last entry……. guess i’ll just have to start writting them down 1 by 1 until eventually i feel sian and end this entry.

work for me have been rather busy lately……… sometimes i have the feeling that i’ve been running around doing stuff around the office, and when i finally have the time to sit down and think of what i have yet to complete, poof its 5pm already…………. time really flies…………… and when i think back, i don’t bloody remember what i’ve been doing. and here i am getting shit from my fucking parents saying that my job is very relaxed and that i’m not giving enough money to maintain the house…………. and then they fucking keep complaining that my blood pressure is forever on the high side. i mean what the fuck man??? sometimes i feel like telling them…… why the fuck do you people think my blood pressure is always on the high side, and i always feel the need to go out and destress using my own methods??? they fucking don’t understand……….. i am not earning 1 million a month leh…….. i’m only earning 1.9k, what they expect? after CPF, Insurrence, the monthly deduction to pay back my dad for my poly education, judo fees, hp bill, and money for the family, i don’t really have much left for myself.

and then they will give me more shit like "your sis is already giving what you’re giving now when she was just earning 1.3k loh" i mean what the fuck is that??? who don’t know ah? my sis don’t have a fucking life. she just comes home after work everyday without fail and sit on her ass and play with her fucking DS, and on weekends, she just sits on her ass again and watch fucking TV. i mean if i become like her, of course i will have money. and then upon hearing what i said, my dad will just bitch about me being single…… and say that if i like i said have a LIFE, why am i still single?? why am i not bringing any girl back for them to see…… and then he’ll go "why the fuck did you have to go and screw up your last relationship?? it was going find isn’t it?" which will result in me saying "what? you think i want to? i did not screw it up ok? I WAS SCREWED…….. i can’t help it if things want to change. and why do you always have to bring that up? the past is the past……….. fucking let it rest………..

i mean can i’ve been trying my best to improve my life, but nothing seems to be happening………… what else can i do? sometimes i really don’t know. i’m so tired of everything……….. well……….. mostly people will see my life as 75% complete, due to the fact that i have a stable job, and i’m almost completing my 1st year degree, and after 2 more years, i will get a degree. many people are telling me, now all thats left is for you to get yourself a girlfriend, and eventually a wife.

i mean ok but whats the ig deal with the whole "I SHOULD GET MYSELF ATTACHED FAST" THING??? i mean my whole fucking office is telling me to get myself attached. and the general female population of VSC technically couldn’t believe their ears when i told them that i’m single and no one wants to be with me. i mean i thank them for their concern and nice thought of me, but it just seems like the women in my circle all don’t think that they can be with me……… i get lines like these when i answer their "hey Anthony are you married/attached?" questions:

1. HUH…… HOW COME?? (DSP Heng)
2. HUH…… why? such a sincere person like you no gf? (Sumiati, and Liza)
3. Huh……. aiya you bluffing lah, you single for today only is it? (Mariani)
4. Huh……. why? you have got to be the most soft-spoken guy i know…… (Ms Gayathri)
5. Huh……. really ah? aiya my daughter is older than you, if not i intro to you ah (Jenny)
6. Huh you’re kidding right? no really? must be your expectations high lah……. huh no then how come? (SSGT Tazul)

these are just some that i remember……. ok lah i know i should start looking for someone new and its not like i haven’t been doing just that…………. but i just can’t help it, all the women i actually am interested in are not interested in me….. i mean i have tried and failed…………… i mean i don’t know why, but the females in my circle just do not see me as what my colleagues in VSC sees me. and whats worse, my females good friends are all not helping me………. they seems to always think that won’t like their friends or vic versa……….. i mean i believe i have mentioned more than a few times that looks are not really that important to me…………. as long as i can click with that person, everything else is not that important.

anyway…….. its also not like i have alot of friends who will actually give a fuck about me now……………….its only the usual few that i can finish counting with just 1 hand let see i have:

1. Leo (who is technically no better than me)
2. the B&W couple ( who is of not much help in this aspect)
3. Gerald (who is in deep shit himself and only looks to me for answers)
4. Brenda (who for some strange reason keeps asking me to keep waiting for Hui Shan, and then sometimes reminds me that i am not young anymore)

See!!! 4 fingers are already enough…………. and just to highlight about the point that brenda brought up………. why do i have to wait for Hui Shan??? nothing is going to happen……….. i know it…… thats why i gave up long ago. i mean i know she doesn’t like me at all………. why do i have to be so thick skinned and keep harpping on her? people already made it so clear to me not once but twice NO means NO……………..

Haiz……. sometimes i think to myself……….. is there really someone out there who will like me for who i am? and not because of some stupid reason which i am not aware of. is it really that hard to accept me as i am? am i so hidious looking, nasty in attitude, and completely sucky in charater that no one can stand me? i don’t know…………. but i am starting to believe that i’m doomed to remain single and lonely until the day i die……………………

guess i shall end here………… i’m getting tired of everything……… so very tired…………… and i don’t know why…….. despite the fact that i’ve enjoyed my day’s outing of seeing a movie with brenda, and then meeting the family for dinner…………. i suddenly feel very depressed………. and frustrated……….. why?