05/07/09

i feel bored……… so here i am writing again knowing that less that 3 of my friends actually bother to read what i write here……… today is just like any other weekend………. i spent it at home stoning. spent my saturday sleeping. i just took this quiz that requires me to enter my birth week 5 times. well………… the result was creepy…….. its like it knows me……….. it says:

Anthony completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Week of Acceptance – Aquarius 3 February 8-15.

You
are a champion of the underdog. You despise intolerance and unfair
treatment in any form. You dislike people who pretend to be something
they are not and often ‘poke holes’ in other people’s balloons. You
have a low self image and you have bursts of anger that usually do not
last long. You are a resourceful individual and rarely at loss for new
ideas. You are your own worse enemy. You love activity and movement.
You are easily affected by what others say and do and a wrong look
could easily ruin your whole day. You are abundant in humor, irony, and
wit. You like to make plans for the future. You crave love and are
extremely affectionate but are rarely able to find the right person.
You are not easily satisfied and often bored; you have a great need for
attention. Strengths: Lively – Inventive – Affectionate
Weaknesses: Irritated – Vulnerable – Needy
.

well………… for the most of it yes…….. its pretty true. well…… i took another one due to extreme bordom, and this time, its depressing result:

Anthony just took "Chinese Horoscope 2009" quiz.

Chinese Horoscope 2009

Dear Anthony Chiu, your chinesse zodiak is Dog.

Below is your life predition in this year 2009:

This
is a good year for you in terms of your career prospects and receiving
acknowledgment from your authority figures. However, as you might find
yourself getting more responsibilities and getting busier at work, it
will consume more of your time and affect your mood. You will also have
lesser tolerance towards other colleagues and associates. Your wealth
will be good and there will be a high probability for you to increase
your sources of revenue. However, you will not be suited to make
investments or getting involved in quick money schemes. Though you will
be doing well in many aspects of your life, you will tend to feel
lonely or emotionally detached. It might be that you become frustrated
with people in general and there will be a high tendency that you will
isolate yourself which might affect your relationship or potential
relationship greatly. You might also become the victim of gossip and
misunderstandings in that you might either be the person in which
gossip revolves around or you might allow gossip to cloud your
judgment. As long as your conscience is clear, you will not need to be
bothered by gossip and you should also not believe everything you hear
or jump to conclusions when you hear rumors. Your health will be
average in general but you will need to be careful of health problems
that are related to irregular meals and even of food poisoning. Apart
from being careful of your own health, you will need to pay special
attention to your elders´ health and safety. Should they have health
problems, try to get them treated immediately before it turns worse.

as you can see here, everything is good except for my lovelife which have been empty for some time…… and honestly, according to this, its not going to get any better. well….. people might say this like "aiya its just a stupid FB quiz" or "why you let a stupid quiz result run your life?" i mean i usually don’t let these things bother me. but……… in this case, the results are pretty accurate. let see…….. i have new more stable job, which means that i am fainancially quite ok. as for the other aspect, its pretty true too……… cos i am slowly feeling very isolated…………. i don’t talk to people or contact my friends much anymore. i only talk when i’m talked to, or go out when i’m asked to. i mean, even when i have something interesting or important to tell someone online or over sms or call, i never do. even when  i see them online, or have there phone number…… i just didn’t feel like there is a point to talk……… i do not know the reason……… but lately its just been this way. i just go to work, come home, stone for 3 hours online, and then go to sleep……….. cos no one ever bothers to talk to me online, and i don’t know what to say to people to start a conversation………. its like i’ve already lost my communication skills.

people around me kept telling me….. open up, don’t lock youself up mentally……… believe me, even sensei foong whom i only saw less that 5 times can tell me that. then i guess its pretty serious……….. i might die a lonely man because of this………. haiz………. like that how?!? and to make thinsg worse, everytime i see a new photo of A, i like her even more……… i mean i haven’t seen her in a long time…….. but a photo can mak me feel that. WTF man………. now is i wanna go for a more realistic target also cannot loh………. haiz………. cos i already don’t know how to even start a conversation………. let alone chase or flirt with someone………… oh wait no, i also forgot how to construct a logical blog entry…………. cos this one seems messed up. wahahahahahaha die lah…….. i’ve become a machine………….

20/06/09

again it has been long since my last update…….. but then again, none of my friends read this anyway so i’m not motivated to write that often……. just some updates about my otherwise boring life here….. and this entry is just yet another one:

1. Health
went for yet another medical appointment this passed weekend…… was to view my test results…… apparently, there is nothing wrong with me. the results shows that my body is functioning as per normal with no kidney, blood sugar, heart, and liver contradictions. hell…… they even checked me for cancer. and thankfully, i will have no share of that. well…….. now i just go back for a stupid reason. and thats to monitor my potasium, and cratanine level because the kind of medication i’m currently taking for my high blood pressure will raise those. stupid right?!? my blood pressure as of late have been constantly normal. and yet, the doc still have got no balls to take me off it for awhile to monitor me……. i guess he just wants to earn the money lah. sian…….. its not exactly cheap also.

as for my relentless cough caused by internal injuries accumulated throught years of martial arts practice, its finally getting better with treatment. only thing that remains now is my ankle and knee joints problems………. its seriously hindering my progress in judo, and making me have second thoughts of returning to karate, and aikido cos it causes my pain whenever use strength on them……… thats all for health.

2. work
can’t say much here…… cos aside from my personal thoughts, everything else is confidential, if i tell you i’d have to kill you. so……… too bad loh. anyway. its been pretty smooth sailing. i’m pretty much busy everyday with my duties as processing officer at VSC and also system administrator. i’m pretty much needed around the office. aside from the occassional arrows that i kanna, i have nothing bad to say about my job now. the arrows are also nothing i cannot handle…… so i guess this time, i found a job suitable for me. being a civil servant have always been my aim aside from being a school teacher which is aslso indirectly linked with civil service. and after a little more than a month at it, i don’t see why people think its so bad. to me, there are pros and cons at everything, and for this, the cons can easily be out weighted by the pros.

3. others
well…… i attended a record breaking 2 birthday celebrations this months, and 3 this year not counting my own. i usually get ZERO. so…….. its good i guess. all 3 of them are relatively uninteresting, but i’m grateful to be invited all the same.

aside from those my weekends are usually just me stoning away infront of my com and feeling extremely sian cos i still got no balls to start a conversation with her(A). and my head is kinda messy these days with everyone around me telling me that i should just go for the girl(B) i rejected not long ago and try out cos they all think she’s a nice girl for me……… well….. my everyone isn’t really alot of people, but they’re all i have to talk to now……. they say stuff like:

1. give it a try lah….. she’s nice what….. i just think that she’s a nice girl for you. (B.J & Wan Ee)
2. try loh since you also say she’s a nice girl (Gerald)
3. go lah she’s not bad mah (Ah Beng)
4. you should try something new man…… go out with her loh. maybe something will happen (kelvin)
5. i’d say go cos i want a good laugh. (Leo) but to me, if i really go and i get, i’d be the one laughing. cos that way, i’d have someone, but he’s still a lonesome prick.

but honestly…….. i don’t know what i should do……….. cos i myself is very sure that if i really go for her now, i’d be cheatig her feelings……. cos in my mind there is still and have always been that other girl i have yet to have the balls to talk to since my last conversation with her. when go into a relationship, i want to be sure that i love her and only her. thats only fair………. well…… for now……. i can’t really say that about this girl that everyone else is telling me to be with.

don’t really know why…… i guess deep down inside………. i’m still afraid to commit…….. maybe thats also why i keep blanking out whenever i see (A) online…………. i don’t know i just feel fucking sian right now………….. haiz…………… there are still more fucked up things about this that i can say, but i won’t cos if i say somemore, i’d have indirectly disclosed the identity of these 2 ladies…. and i don’t want to. so those who would like to know would have to talk to me and try and pry it out of me………… deep down i’ve always wished that (A) would accept me, but seems to me that this will never happen……….. maybe thats whats been stopping me………… as for (B), i don’t know…….. i just don’t want to end up hurting her……………..

well…… thats all for now i guess………….

it sucks to be sick on an off day…….

well….. today is my fortnightly Tuesday off……. cos i have to work till 1.15pm this Saturday. and guess what? i’ve spent it stoning infront of my com play Cabal, Facebooking, and watching youtube videos……. how interesting  right? and all this time…… i couldn’t really speak much, cos i have a sore throat that is so bad it hurts my left vocal cord………… and i’ve done nothing but stoning and sleeping……. if it was up to me, i’d choose not to have the day off and just go back to work. cos its pointles anyway……… its a weekday, everyone’s busy, and those who are free normally doesn’t give a fuck about me. so might as well go somewhere where i am needed……… like the office there is still lots to be done……..

well……. another thing i’ve been sian about today is the fact that i cannot even pluck up the courage to start a conversation online with the person whom i metioned in my last entry…….. why?!? because i don’t know what to say………. i guess i’ve not seen her for so long, and i’ve kept to myself for so long that i don’t even know how to start a decent conversation anymore…….. this is freaking sad case…… i mean you know this feeling right?!? you see the person you would love to see and talk to the most NOT in person, but just Online, and you find that you are at a lost for words, and you suddenly feel depressed cos you don’t know what to say and how to start……..just for a normal online conversation……… i sat at my com staring at her contact on and off while Facebooking for about half a day….. not knowing what to say……. right up until she went away, and finally offline……. i still got no balls to say anything……… haiz…… maybe its cos of the fact that i know that no matter how hard i try, thsi person will never like me, and will run from me if i try anyting more……… but still after so long, i still find myself smitten with her…….. i’ve felt this twice before even when i was attached, i felt this pretty strongly when i was datng janice, and another time when my 3rd realationship was falling apart……….. don’t know why……..and when people ask me why i like her so much, my answer was always "i don’t know…….. i just feel comfortable around her, and she have a personality that attracts me" people ask me this quite alot, cos to them she’s no drop deed gorgious girl……. and they felt that i deserved better……… but to me, i’ve tried being withe the SO CALLED better ones……….. but look what happened…….. so what if your gf is cute, sexy and have big boobs?!? in the end, if something is meant to go wrong, it will………

well….. i don’t really know if it’ll work out with her even if things were different, but i guess we’ll never know until we tried. sometings which i don’t think i’ll ever get a chance at…….. because she’s already kinda closed the door to me because f the stupid things i’ve done in the past……… haiz….. i guess thats just my life….. screwed up as usual……….. shall stop here, nothing much to say anyway……………………………

a new job, a new start

Well…… its been 2 weeks since i started my new job at ICA. and honestly, i feel better working there. i save more money too. i don’t eat as much as i dd  back at muratec anymore. Everytime during lunch, its just a plate of rice/noodles, and a drink and thats it, no deserts, chocolate, peanut, nothing. cos they don’t sell any at the ICA canteen where i usual prefer to have my meal. and its cheap too, with my pass, i pay just about $4 for every meal. its simply too pointless to venture out into the housing esate to search for new eating places cos i usually dine alone………. might as well just eat whatever is readily available. as for travel, i usually just go home after work, i never really spend more than about $2 for travel……. except on fridays when i go for training at katong, and this coming july when i start going back to MDIS Uniampus to continue my advance dip.

The people at VSC where i am current stationed are all quite friendly so i have no problems interacting with them….. everyone just see me as a normal guy. no dark aura shit. mainly due to the fact that VSC is mainly populated by older married malay women. which also means that i can forget about finding someone there….. also good lah, its not good to eat where you shit . i guess thats all i have to say about my work……. its only been 2 weeks, i can’t really say much about it anyway.

As for my health…….. my blood pressure have been controlled……. i’m still on medication though. just went for my medical checkup again today. still the doc said that my conditions are normal, not showing any signs of kidney problems. which is good. but some other results are not such good news. i recently consulte a very trusted chinese doctor regarding my awakard ticks, and my relentless cough. well…….. according to him, the cause of these problems are a neck nerve injury, and internal injuries due to martial art related injuries, and prolonged and frequent colds. which total sucks cos honestly, now even my friend are abit embarassed to go out with me due to them……. they didn’t say so, i just know…….. also i felt alot weaker than i usually am i’ve been loosing weight, just barely a month from the ast time i took my weight till now, i’ve lost abot 4kg. and yesterday, i almost collapsed from judo training i didn’t show it, but i really felt like i was gonna die just halfway through uchikomi. and i actually had problems lifting Lois while doing kata guruma. which is really strange cos i could lift Jaya with no problem all along, and obviously Lois is alot lighter than Jaya……. and i also had problem holding onto uncle thomas, and balancing after throwing him. and its just basic throws like O soto Gari, Ippon Seoi Nage, Sasae Tsurikomi Ashi, & Tai Otoshi. i felt like my whole body is getting weaker and weaker……. my joints have been giving me problems since i don’t know when, but yesterday i could have swore that my left ankle would break at the sligest impact…… i had to walk with a limp all the way to dinner, and then to get a cab home.

i don’t know why……. but depress feelings just keep flooding into me……. i mean, i wasn’t thinking of anything it comes even when my mind is empty……….. well……i guess it maybe due to being to solitary…….i’ve been watching my weekends burn away and i can even name the number of peope who spoke to me online, on the phone, and via sms. i bet it less than 20 for the passed 12 months let see:

1. Hui Shan
2. Brenda
3. Evonne
4. Lisa
5. Leo
6. BJ
7. Wan Ee
8. Alex
9. Ay Deng
10. Polar
11. Beng
12. Gerald

i guess thats about it……. and i hve not seen 2 for almost 5 years, 2 for about 1 year. i only occassionally get calls from 4. and now, none talks to me online……. so i guess its cos i haven’t got anyone whom i could talk to and feel good talking to this person………. well….. honestly, i do feel good talking to a certain person. i have not seen this person for a long time, and we were not close also, but somehow, when ever i get a chance to talk to this someone, doesn’t matter how long it lasted or what it was about, i always felt relaxed, and well…… i just feel like it makes my day……. but unfortunately, this person does not know, and actually didn’t have a good impression of me…….. well……. to be more honest, this person is a lady……… and well…… i like her quite alot, but i guess she doesn’t feel the same way about me……… i mean what do i expect……….. of course she doesn’t………….. i ahall stop here about this lady. cos if i have gone on, i’d have give off enough info to tell everyone who she is. but then again people who know me will know who she is, and call me hopeless………. stupid, stuborn, and many others. but what can i do? attraction is NOT a choice……….

anyway, its another weekend…… and i’ve watched my saturday burned away, and i’m pretty sure my sunday will be the same too……… as will my tuesday off for this coming week…….. oh well….. i guess thats it……… this is my life……….. always screwed in more than 1 way…………

The fuck man…… the fuck?!?

My life seems to have no end to unfortunate events…….. especially when i am expecting something good to happen…………. well……. recently a few people would have known that i have resigned from my current job in favor of another. but that required me to attend a medical screening. which is no problem for others…….. which i thought would also be no problem for me…….. but it just wouldn’t be this way. apparently, I’ve been suffering from high blood pressure for 10 years now……. and its causing my kidneys to malfunction……. according to the doctor, he was surprised that i could still do Judo, Taekwondo, and Karate and not collapse due to stroke for the passed 10 years. hahahahahahahaha this is damn funny right?!? because throughout these 10 years, i felt completely find, although my blood pressure have always registered at 130/90, 150/100, or 140/80. but on saturday when i attended the medical, what shocked the doctor was that my blood pressure registered at 200/100 and i am still ablt to sit before him at speak to him without any difficulty. according to him, a normal person withthis type of results would have encountered dizziness, breathing difficulty, & chest pain……. but honestly, i have had no such symptoms……… so now after having o much tests performed on me, those usless doctors still could not find what was wrong with me………

honestly, people who knows me might think that for a person like me, high colostrol, or high blood sugar should be common health problems for me. but NOOOOoooo. my colostrol level is find, even my blood sugar level registered at a healthy level. well….. what the doctor told me was rather amusing actually. he told me that i have registered high potasium level. which means that i have been consuming too much vegetables and fruits. which is fucking funny. cos all my friends know that i consume mostly meat, and i love meat. vegetables are for pussies. but still i didn’t have a colostrol or blood sugar problem. i have fucking high potesium, which according to my mum, would kill me anytime without any warning. and due to the fact that no doctors offered to put me under medication or suggested to do anything about my high blood pressure when they found that out 10 years ago, i have developed this kidney problem.

see……. my life IS fucked up. anyone still wanna be me? i don’t think so. well…… 1 thing good is that i am still not beyond hope……. there is still a way to cure me. and i don’t have to stop Judo due to this anyway. i just have to do in moderation, and relax more……….. i have to not think so much about everything……… not care so much about other people………. now all i want is for me to be able to successfully go into my new job……. everything else can wait. there is not much else i can do about my health now but to exercise and try to reduce my weight, eat food that contain less sodium, and become a full conavore. cos fruits and veg can and will kill me……..

haiz….. i guess its good to find out now than later……. but still i can’t help but think THE FUCK MAN……… THE FUCK?!? ME…….. high potesium!!!!!!

Moving on for good reasons……..

well……. as a few people might have known, i have as of last Friday, resigned from my position as "Technical Service Engineer" from Muratec. i must say that it was quite a hard decision to make on my part………… mainly because of the fact that i’ve been happy with the bunch of people i’ve been working with for the past year. well…… despite the fact that they have actually mentioned that they wanted to send me to japan for training, which will give me a chance to fullfill my dream of visiting the Kodokan. There are also other reasons that made me want to leave:

1. The management sucks.
2. I have no interest whatsoever in engineering.
3. My health both mentally, and physically would be better.
4.  better offer have presented itself.

well……. due to those reasons, i have decided to give the japan trip a miss, and move on to something which i hope is better……….. i can aways go to japan myself for a holiday/training trip anytime i like, so thats not very important to me.

as for the management, i have already lamented alot about that in my past entry, my health, physically speaking, my knees are in very bad shape. i need to let them heal………….. as for the psychological aspect, well…….. this was the job that accepted because of reasons that are no longer important to me now……. in fact, the more i stay, the more i feel that i cannot escape from my own psychological prison………

as for a better offer, honestly speaking, its not much better than what i have now. they pay is just slightly better, and there will be no OT. but the good part is that its a management post, i no monger have to carry a spannar and run inside the cleanroom for a living, it is a government job, so it means that i can have a peace of mind about retrenchment at least for the next 2 years, its also very near to my house and Katong dojo. and more importantly, this job gives me an oppotunity to start afresh, and more oppotunities to interact with people…….. something that i have stopped doing ever since what happened last year. so…….. i hope i’ll be able to start a new life……… with new people, and non of them knowing about my past and non of them knowing about my martial arts knowledge unless necessary………… i guess i’d come off as being more normal this way.

anyway, as moving on is my title, i might as well tell myelf again now to move on from other things for good reasons. well……. mainly people i must say. honestly, i should move on from them, and take it as i have never in my life known them………… except for a few……… whom i considered my good friends, i should seriously just take it as i have never known these people before, and hope that they never appear before me ever again…….. this way, its better for them, its also better for me. because memories will indeed fade with time, and when you don’t see them long enough, they’ll slowy be out of your mind. i honestly need that………. because if i don’t do that, i will never be able to pick myself up, never be able to live normally, and never will i be able accept another girl onto my life ever………

well……. to tell the truth, i rejected a girl mainly due to this not long ago……. and i didn’t do this due to her looks……… my friends should know that looks are never my prime concern when it comes to my significant other, and  i must say that she is a nice girl, and any guy who is lucky enough to be with her should count his blessings. well……. i did it because i didn’t want to end up breaking her heart…………. she obviously deserved better than me. in future i will not rule out the possibility of something happening between us, but currently, i don’t think its possible……….. i am not disclosing this girl’s identity here for obvious reasons……..

anyway……. i just hope that everything will go….. i would not say smoothly…… because in the life of the shadow, it never does……. so i’d say a little better….. i wouldn’t ask for much………. as for my significant other……… i want to believe that she’s out there soemwhere……… and she will come when the time comes………………

Falling Deeper

i decided to write again cos i simply felt like i had to pen down some things……. well…… some inner feelings actually….. before i do something stupid. i think i’ve fallen even deeper into depression recently……… i’m actually showing the symptoms more and more often, and those feelings of worthlessness, and sadness are growing stronger everyday. now i even start to find Gothic Rock appealing unlike what i’ve said in my past entries…… now i find myself listening to these songs very very often at least 3 times a day for certain ones:

1. Wasting The Dawn – The 69 Eyes
2. Ghost – The 69 Eyes
3. Brandon Lee – The 69 Eyes
4. Wrap Your Troubles In Dreams – The 69 Eyes
6. Snadow Of Your Love – The 69 Eyes
7. Framed In Blood – The 69 Eyes
8. Wings Hearts – The 69 Eyes
9. Velvet Touch – The 69 Eyes
10. When Love And Death Embrace – HIM
11. And Love Said No – HIM
12. Join Me In Death – HIM
13. So Close To The Flame – HIM
14. Pretending – HIM
15. Sleepwalking Pass Hope – HIM
16. Dead Lover’s Lane – HIM
17. Funnarel Of Hearts – HIM
18. Heartache Every Moment – HIM
19. Killing Lonliness – HIM
20. Gone With The Sin – HIM

some would have noticed that i only listed the bands HIM, and The 69 Eyes. Thats cos i suddenly find that their music sings to my soul……. their deeply troubled meoldy, and lyrics about pain, lonliness, and agony appeals to me…….. i can no longer stand to listen to glam metal, pop rock or other more happy genres of metal/rock i used to like……….. when i’m not tuned in to these, i’ll be tuning in to death or black metal………

I have this feeling that the world as i know it have forsaken me………. people around me never understood me, or what i’m about…….. all my life, its been about pleasing others……… and others expecting me to accomodate them………. no one really cared about me…….. even my own parents……. who will yell at me if i got injuried or got sick……. cos they’d have to spend money on me again. they didn’t even gave a fuck when i told them that my relatives were beating me when i was a child……… never asked if everything was ok when i feel down before scolding me for acting like that.

the rest of the world around me always thinks that i’m the one at fault when something goes wrong in my life. i am always wrong, always the one to blame, the one people should hate, the one people should boycot, the one people should not give a fuck about. i never seem to gain any true understand…… the only person who really at some point did (or at least i think she did) is long gone……… never to be seen by me ever again probably living a way better life than me, and the 2nd one who to a certain extend did, is obviously living a way happier life…….. surrounded by friends and people who adores her…………..

as for me, i’m just here typing away in here because its the only way i can express myself…….. te only place where i can find some form of peace within my deeply troubled soul………… cos even those known as my best friends sometimes do not understand me……….. hell even those who were at some point close to me and view me as an important person in their lives do not or don’t want to understand me………….i suddenly remembered what leo used to refer to himelf last time…… as a hard nut to crack……. well…… in my opinion, i am the hard nut to crack, not him………because when he needs help, there are usually people who can and are willing to help him out….. but me?!? no one will help me……. no one will bother to help me………… because no one thinks they can…………

honestly now if people were to ask me questhins about the directions of my life, what i want to do, or something like that, my anwer to them will only be "I DON"T KNOW" because i seriously don’t know what i want to do anymore…… because whenever i set my mind to do something, it always ends up as a big failure……….. i am tired…… seriously very tired………. i don’t even have any strength to help my friends who are in need of my assistance….. so here i’d like to apologies to a few people in advance if at any point they need my assistance, encouragement or require my advice, or even just a listen ear, or a joker to cheer them up and i couldn’t give my best I’M SORRY:

1. Leo
2. Wan Ee
3. B.J
4. Jaya
5. Lisa
6. Brenda
7. Ah beng
8. Qing Guo
9. Alex
10. Gerald

I’m sorry…….. i have broken down…….. i can no longer resist and fight back those dark feelings…….. i sencerely apologies if at some point i cannot assist you in anyway, or become a nuisance to you……………. i can no longer control myself…………. even a great general can fall in battle………. i guess this is where i fall……… and lay in a pool of my own blood………….

I no longer have the strength to stand back up anymore……… because this very scary thought have invaded my mind…….. and it is the thought of Death……. yes the once respected/feared/hated Anthony "shadow" Chiu is actuall having thoughts of suicide……….. actually wanted to end his misarable existance……… the only reason i’m not doing it now is my family i still have to provide for them……. and i couldn’t bear to wreck havoc in their minds by causing my own death……….. but i can be sure that as of today, after a long hard struggle with himself, the once caring, selfless, considerate clown they call Anthony is Dead………. only a corpse live now…… one who does not know the meaning of happiness, and does not care about anything……. even his own self……………. because no one actually thought of him that way before anyway………. to everyone, he is just a joke his whole existance is just a joke people bring up just for amusement. So Rest In Peace Anthony…….. you are no longer needed anymore…… in fact, you were never needed…………..